Response

I was born and raised in Rome, Italy. I come from a large and extremely close extended family with many first cousins, most living in a five story apartment building, or across the street from each other in a busy section of the city called Piazza Bologna, near the University of Rome, La Sapienza.

My husband and I share a deep love for a large family and have built our lives around our children. When we adopted little D, we had the best intentions and only love in our hearts. It’s this same love that allowed us to make the heartbreaking decision to place D with another family.

To my dear sister Luisa, and my cousins Claudia, Marco, Micaela, Mercedes, Emiliano, Vanina, Marina, Luna, Flavio, and Tullio I would like to say how much I appreciated your support.

These days I take comfort and solace in memories of our loud and rambunctious family more than I have in the sixteen years since moving to the US. If I close my eyes I see our dads, uncles, brothers and cousins glued to the TV watching a soccer match; our moms, aunts and sisters are chatting in the kitchen, and the twelve of us inseparable cousins dash from room to room, putting on an Italian rendition of The Sound of Music.

I hear Claudia’s and my own off key voices singing at the top of our lungs. We spin little Marco in a pirouette while uncle Gianfranco urges us to get the tutu off his son; Luisa flaps her hair back and forth and feverishly runs her hands up and down an imaginary piano. I smell Aunt Lulli’s creamy mushroom sauce and can taste the fettuccine she has just cooked. I glimpse your faces and hear the jokes rising above the traffic noise of our busy apartment building in Rome.

Remember how you all couldn’t wait to bring D to “Mercuri”, the bakery we practically grew up in, and have him try a “rosetta” just baked in the morning hours?

It’s from this place of openness, and from the love you have given me and that I share with my husband that we adopted little D. It’s from this same place that we let him go to his new mom and dad.

Luisa, as my sister, your support as a child psychologist and as my best friend, gave me the strength to reach out to adoption professionals, to other psychologists, and social workers who could help us when we realized that D’s placement in our home wasn’t working for him or for the family, when we saw that the fundamental bond and attachment between parent and child hadn’t taken place, and that troubling issues were surfacing.

Claudia, you rejoiced with me when we found his amazing parents and when we later learned that D was doing well.

Merecedes, since sharing our story publicly, parents, adoptees, mental health professionals, and people from all walks of life have recounted their touching stories about being faced with painful choices.

Micaela, there have been some difficult moments and I’ve been amazed by some of the mean spirited attacks I received from a few who would like to see me consigned to Dante’s lower rungs of hell. I’m neither a Mother Theresa nor do I deserve to be burned at the stake. I’m somewhere in between, a mother who tried to do her best in a difficult situation.

I shared this experience publicly because when I saw my own shadows, I was humbled. It’s this encounter with my shortcomings which made me realize that while we all possess different limitations, we ultimately share the struggle with our weaknesses, too often alone.

I hope that the overwhelming response my story generated can open a compassionate dialogue for any parent who faces obstacles, for anyone who sees a shadow when looking in the mirror.

Thank you for unconditionally loving D, me and my American family.

I love you,
Anita