I told you not to do that!

My husband tried to feed one of our five girls (the last one) Honey Nut Cheerios when she was 4-months-old. Nothing happened, but I remember being first shocked and than annoyed that he didn’t remember he couldn’t do that, and worse, that he felt like he should received credit for trying.

OK I did give him a little credit but I was angry at the same time. I was in the percentage of moms who get mad at dads described in a recent piece by Martha Brockenbrough titled, “Mad at Dad.”. She explains that many mothers are angry, really irate at their husbands for not doing as much or as well as they/we manage. Brockenbrough cites a survey in which 46 percent of respondents get angry with their husbands once a week or more, 40 percent are mad that Dad can’t multitask. And, one-third complain parenthood changed their lives more than their husbands.

An excerpt from “Mad at Dad” explains further:
“We [moms] carry so much of this life-altering responsibility in our heads: the doctors’ appointments, the shoe sizes, the details about the kids’ friends. Many dads wouldn’t even think to buy valentine’s day cards for the class, for example, or know when it’s time to sign kids up for the pre-camp physical …We’re the walking, talking encyclopedias of family life, while dads tend to be more like brochures.”

Growing up I didn’t give much thought to how much work I or my imaginary husband would share. After all, I did come to this country all the way from Rome, Italy to be a professional dancer, family and children weren’t in my radar. I saw myself as a career driven woman. After giving up dance, going to college, eventually working in Investment Banking, law school, love at first sight with my military husband I entered mommyhood and realized that I loved it more than I could have ever imagined. My days changed from meeting and conversations with other adults to cooing, changing diapers pretending to be Boots, and shuffling my five girls from one activity to another.

But of course despite the fact that I found a new and surprising love of motherhood and children I too have often wished that my husband could help out more or alleviate the workload. My frustration is more of a consequence of our set up (for lack of a better word) than a deliberate act on the part of my husband or men in general – I know that the author of the article wasn’t implying that moms are angry at dads because dads relish in making us angry, but I want to clarify for me personally in case I start thinking that my husband is indeed alwyas occupied when one of the kids needs a diaper change.

Catherine at Her Bad Mother, summarized thoughts about mommy anger so well: “My point: it’s not my husband’s fault that I carry most of the burden of responsibility for caring for our kids. It’s just the way that it is. I could blame him – and believe me, sometimes, in my darker moments, I do – but mightn’t it be more reasonable to blame society’s patriarchal hangover? Or even more reasonably: mightn’t I blame the choices that we have made as a couple, that I have made as a woman and mother? We made choices as a couple that established a certain division of labor in our household, and we agreed upon those choices. I’m a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom.”

I personally think that my husband doesn’t help with half the work – but he is a good father and husband. Whether it’s biological hard wiring or the lingering effects of tradition, my husband comes home and does less than I do. He’ll be the first to admit it – this usually gives him a couple of browny points toward getting to first maybe second base that night. Sometimes I get mad at my hubby and harass him to do more around the house, achieving some degree of equality at the expense of marital bliss, or I accept the unequal burden, complaining incessantly in the process.

Just for the fun of it, I’d like to add another layer to this anger, something that I experience as a military wife.

When you’re military spouse, you often don’t even have the option to get angry at your partner — he isn’t there. We deal with a different set of anger. We’re alone and there is no spouse to get mad at, or to love, and sometimes that absence itself is a source of anger. It gives a different perspective to someone getting mad at a husband who forgets to put a hat on a child when it’s cold when he’s not there in the first place. I bet being a single parent also gives a different perspective on family stress — it’s no wonder so many military marriages end up that way.

Of course, I believe most moms don’t want to be angry. We want more help. And I bet if they had sent this survey to military moms they would have found that under anger, what we want even more is having our husband around, whether he does things correctly or not.

I don’t have a real solution to mommy anger. Maybe a nanny, more money, a parallel universe?