Comments on: For the imperfect ones

By: Terminating an Adoption | dv8-designs

Terminating an Adoption | dv8-designs — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 07:42:52 +0000

[...] adoption at the NYTimes blog Motherlode. Her response to the support and criticism in comments is here; in a subsequent Motherlode post Lisa Belkin muses on the ethics of blogging about [...]

By: Sprite's Keeper

Sprite's Keeper — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:43:21 +0000

I’ve never seen an essay in that aspect and I appreciate your bravery in publishing a very vulnerable side of your life. D. is in a better place “for him”. For you to make sure he recieved what he needed is wonderful. For you to be slammed for your decision is not. Keep being honest.

By: Anita

Anita — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:29:59 +0000

Patrick,
I went to your blog. Hang in there. I wish I could help you and your family but words can’t do much. You’re brave and my thoughts are with you.
Sincerely,
Anita

By: Patrick

Patrick — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 14:16:08 +0000

Anita,

Thanks again for your candor. You lift me up.

Pat

By: Kate

Kate — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 13:56:10 +0000

Anita,

Given that you wrote this essay to help other people who may be in similar situations, I’m curious what have you learned from this experience? I don’t mean your own feelings but rather if you could go back in time to the beginning of your decision to adopt or from the time D was placed with you, what would you do differently? Do you feel that you wouldn’t have been able to truly attach to any child that wasn’t biologically yours? Was your husband and the rest of your family as committed and excited about the adoption as you were? Do you think your pregnancies and newborns impeded attachment to D? Do you feel that you weren’t capable of parenting a high need, traumatized child? Do you feel that you really listened and understood the commitment you were making by adopting? Looking back, do you still believe that the agency you used should have approved you for this adoption? I know you’ve said that you knew 18 months into it that you couldn’t attach to him but I’m curious what warning signs might have been nagging away in the back of your mind as you went through this?

I ask because many people parent adopted children who have far greater issues and behaviors than it seems that D did and don’t question their adoptions or at least work their way through it and I’m wondering what was different about your situation? Not in a “you suck” kind of way but honestly what was different for you? What do you think other prospective adoptive parents should think long and hard about? Were you overwhelmed by other factors aside from your son? I think that addressing these issues and providing any insight you might have instead of simply telling what happened from your perspective might do a lot to help other prospective adoptive parents since avoiding dissolution would be far better for everyone involved, especially the child. Thank you.

By: Joe

Joe — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 13:36:41 +0000

Have you given any thought to what your daughters are going to think when they are a little older and learn to use Google and find everything you’ve written about them, D, and whatever else? Do you think they are going to appreciate having all of this posted for the entire world to see? Even if you didn’t use their names or D’s real name, you used your real name.

By: Anita

Anita — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:28:49 +0000

Laurie,
thank you. I’m speechless. Thank you for articulating what I felt, how I felt and how it was to face my own demons. And really thank you for your compassion.
Your words are encouraging on my road to becoming a better person.
With sincere gratitude,
Anita

By: Laurie

Laurie — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:21:39 +0000

We humans read the NYT, the blogs, we listen to pundits, we read and mull. We feel deeply. And when we make a massive, life-changing decision — we do so because we know something in our quiet, personal bones. Do I stop chemo? Do I admit to have failed? Do I go to AA? Each is an admission of ‘failure.’ Though each situation is profoundly different, each would give hundreds succor and thousands rage (for a variety of different, and defensible, reasons). The ‘few’ that you will reach are the ones who get it. The others can’t hope to.

And those who judge just don’t know the thing you’re describing. And thank God. Lucky them. That trial wasn’t in their hand of cards.

So forgive those who have judged, they don’t know what you know. I don’t know. And I’ve judged a family in a very similar situation. I have to believe that all of us have done the same in the face of another person’s honest suffering.

I appreciate you for making me understand something complex – about your experience and about everyone’s. Thank God the folks who hate what you wrote haven’t had to face a similar moment of reckoning.

But thank you for giving succor to the few that know.

ps. to those people who said that biological parents don’t just ‘give up.’ That such a moment is a ‘luxury’ of adoptive parents – not true. Happily, most parent-child bonds work. Sometimes, in adoptive families and biological families, some truth makes it impossible.

By: E

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 21:31:01 +0000

I think it’s the article disconnect that people are puzzled about. When you wrote a previous article that disappeared from another website, that talks about your adopted son M and how despite your problems you would never, never disrupt. Then wrote this latest article about your adopted son D, and how the thought of disruption popped into your head out of a clear blue sky….. how many sons did you adopt anyway?

By: Anita

Anita — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:18:46 +0000

S
I’m sorry for your experience. Thank you for sharing your words with me. And yes, D should know that it was our fault not his.

Traci,
thank you